Not that kinda girl

If you're looking for warm fuzzies, turn away now!

Whenever I get into a knock down / drag out argument with my hubsters I always come away with a little bit of perspective about something I didn't know about myself.  However in the introspective analysis I find myself stumbling down Alice's rabbit hole a bit and drowning in self-doubt and even more self-conscious than I had before.

Now I love my hubsters, I do.  But he's exhausting to argue with.  And last night he brought up something that while I already knew about myself still made me feel like I did back in fifth grade when the cool kids wouldn't let me sit at the lunch table with them.

I'm not a pretty girl. 
I'm not a popular girl.
I'm not the funniest, most eloquent or even the most interesting. 

Now I'm usually okay with these facts about myself.  I'm middle-aged and have come to accept certain facts about myself and still be relatively happy about who I am as a person.

I'm nice.
I'm kind (or at the very least, try to be as much as I can)
I'm smart
I'm like-able but not usually so much that other women want me to be their BFF
I'm a bit shy around new people, but open up greatly around people once I do know you.
I don't make friends easily and only have one that I speak to on a regular basis.
I'm okay in my isolated existence.
I have a husband and two great kids who keep me busy.
But I like my alone time.  I'm okay not talking to anyone for hours on end.

Last night my hubs mentioned that he was the only one keeping any of our outside relationships (neighbors/friends) alive.  That without him, we wouldn't have any friends.
Now I can't really disagree with this statement. 
But it still makes me feel a bit like a freak.  That perhaps because I’m not as outgoing as him or that I don't talk incessantly about anything and everything until my ears are bleeding, I'm a bit less than.

So yeah, today, I'm not feeling great about myself.  I'm lonely.  Yes, in my own freak a deaky way, I'm horribly lonely.   Everyone just wants to be noticed, to be appreciated and well... unfortunately for me today, I'm not feeling the love so to speak.

Off to my hidey hole.

* End Note:

Just as I was about to post this, Selena Gomez's song "Who Says" came on.  It was like someone up above was thinking about me and sent the song to snap me out of whatever funk I'm in.

So thanks for that.  God, or Angels or Dad... thanks.

The things men will never understand

So I have to admit while my hair is pretty cool, I was a little concerned about what my hubsters was going to say in response to it, as I didn't actually tell him I was doing it.  I was surprised when it took him about five minutes before he even mentioned it.  Okay - he's color blind, so I don't usually expect much.  He asked me if I did something different.  Which I replied that I had and was rebelling against momdom.  He smiled, said "cool" and that was it.

This morning, he saw it in the bright glare of our bathroom and looked a little more concerned.  He asked what color it was.  When I replied that it was orange, he asked why would you color your hair orange?  I just replied that I felt like it.  He shrugged and said, "Ooookay" and left it at that.

Now what he fails to understand is that by funkifying my hair yesterday, when I got up this morning, I had an entirely new attitude about myself.  I felt like I HAD to dress a little nicer/funkier if you will.  I had to make more of an effort on my makeup and hair because I had to make my outfit, makeup match my hair's badassness.  So today when I came into work, it wasn't in my traditional boring easy to wear yet bland outfit with only mascara on.  Nope, I have my bitch boots on with the four inch heels, my dark wash jeans and a cool ass jacket on.  I have eyeliner and lipstick on, which I NEVER bother with because I'm generally a low maint. kinda girl.   So yeah, I am walking tall and feeling good about myself today.  Why?  Because I added a few orange streaks in my hair and flipped my normal nonchalant attitude on its ass. 

But the hubsters doesn't understand that by spending a little money I made myself feel like a million bucks. 

Does anyone out there get this feeling too?  I've wasted too much time being bland since I've had kids.  I need to remember that I'm not a traditional soccer mom.  Nope - I'm wild and out there and who the fuck cares what the other hoity-toity people around the neighborhood think?   As long as I feel good.  That is all that matters. 

Tell me about what you've done lately to make yourself feel good about yourself.