SUMMARY: She waited with bated breath for each post card she would receive. Each month it would come from a different locale. Each time she would hope that it would bring her news that he was headed back to her and to all of the dreams that he sold her.
A/N
Thanks to my amazing beta – BlackJackLily. Any remaining errors are all my own doing.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Twilight. I just use Stephanie’s characters for my own non-profitable amusement
This was originally written for the Fandom4Storms compilation. Thanks to those of you who contributed to that amazing cause.
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Dreams He Sold Her
Postcard: Image of four men on camels walking in sand with iconic Burj Al Arab in background
Postmarked: January 13, 2010 Dubai, UAE
Dearest Bella,
I have no words to describe how much I miss you. The two weeks we spent hiding out over the holidays were some of the best I’ve ever had. I wish you were here with me among the bustling city of Dubai. My work has been taxing, but that’s not unusual as you know. Unfortunately, I’m also a wreck without you. I now know what it feels like to miss someone so tremendously that my heart feels as if it no longer belongs to me. I don’t know when I will be back in town to see you. Just know that I can’t wait to fulfill my promise to have you experience the world with me. To travel to London for New Year’s or Sydney at sunrise, I don’t care where we go as long as I get to share it with you. Hope to come back to you soon. Love, Edward
Sitting on my lumpy futon, I looked out over the sliver of Manhattan skyline that I could see from my tiny studio apartment in Brooklyn. I had only read the postcard about twenty times so far, and the tug of sadness was just as strong as it was when he walked out the door to catch his flight on January ninth. He’d been gone for a little over two weeks, which coincidentally was about as long as we’d spent with one another before he had to ship off to another foreign shore, working for the government on a top secret project. When he had introduced himself at the bar while I was waiting for my friend, Angela, to meet me, his charm dripped off of his well-tailored suit. Little did I know this remarkable man would transform my life so irrevocably in such a small period of time. My mind drifted to the day that changed everything.
“Excuse me, Miss, but is this seat taken?” A smooth, deep voice asked as he took a seat at one of the barstools empty beside me.
Spinning my stool slightly, I nodded that the seat was available and resumed waiting for Angela. My eyes were focused on stirring the olive through my extra dry dirty martini. The same way my mother always drank her gin until the day she died.
“That olive did nothing to you to deserve being drowned in your drink,” the same gravelly voice chuckled beside me.
Finally looking up, the first thing I noticed were blazing green eyes the color of the darkest recesses of the forest in my home town. The second was that the face attached to those eyes was astonishingly beautiful. Not handsome or rugged, but jaw-droppingly, earth spinning off its axis, kind of gorgeous. Never in my life had I met someone as achingly alluring as the man seated next to me, trying to strike up a conversation.
“The olive should be savored on your tongue, not left to its own devices in your cocktail.” His smirk and attempt at humor snapped me out of the dumbstruck awe I was in.
“Sorry, I was a bit lost in thought. Were you speaking to me?” Glancing around behind me, I wanted to make sure it wasn’t a joke that this spectacular specimen of a man was indeed talking to the sheltered, bland brunette at his side.
“I’m Edward.” He stuck out his hand, waiting for me to politely return his handshake.
“Um…” My mind suddenly ran through the various scenarios that I had been often preached about. Never to give your name to strangers, especially to a man at a bar, I could hear my father saying in the back of my brain. Once a child of a cop, always a child of a cop.
“Hi,” I replied shyly, spinning my stool back towards the front of the bar, eyes trained on the drink and that poor olive I was intent on drowning. My phone buzzed across the countertop, but before I could reach out and see the message, Edward’s hand grabbed it, almost spilling my martini in the process. “Hey!”
“It seems your friend, Angela, is unable to meet you here this evening. How fortunate for me,” he whispered, handing me back my mobile just as I was about to make a scene.
“Oh.” Disappointment washed over me, knowing I would end up at home, alone, once again. I never went out, and I was only at this fancy bar because my cube-mate at work coerced me into meeting her on the day after Christmas to enjoy the first of our two weeks of vacation following the busy Christmas holiday. Angela and I worked for the Toys for Tots Foundation as two of the many local coordinators for the New York City area. Every year we worked non-stop right up until Christmas, when the Foundation would give us two weeks’ vacation after the strenuous holiday season. My grand plans this year included hanging out with my cat, Baxter, and catching up on some library books I had checked out weeks ago and hadn’t read yet. Yep, big plans.
“Can I buy you another Martini?” His gravelly words tugged me out of my depressing thoughts of another New Year’s Eve watching the festivities of Times Square from my six hundred square feet of ‘all mine’. “Please, I just popped in for a drink and would like to enjoy it in the presence of someone as lovely as you,” he pled, actually looking endearingly honest for someone I couldn’t actually look at because he was blinding my retinas, as if his beauty was so brilliant it was like staring into the sun.
Throwing caution to the wind, I polished off my gin concoction in one final gulp and waggled the glass in front of me to signal the stocky bartender for another. His laughter was bright yet deep and manly, making my stomach do a little conga like dance.
“Do you speak, martini girl, or am I just that frightening?”
~0~
My gaze continued to linger on the misty, diffused light that the sunset was casting across my windowsill. The deprived brown spotted fern housed on it looked just as mournful as I felt, its leaves creeping towards the small amount of daylight I did get in here.
At the time Edward was a frightening creature to me; a wild untamed being that threatened my very existence. I’d dated a few times when I was still living in our sleepy little town of Forks, but they were guys who I grew up knowing. There was no danger or thrill since I’d been privy to every single stupid action they ever did. Moving to New York after college had been a huge step for me, and yet for as large a step as it was, I never left the comfort of my little cocoon of safety. I took the train into the city every morning and back again when my day was done. I shopped at the local grocery store which was only a block from my tiny apartment. My job at a nonprofit company ensured that I would never have much disposable income, but I loved my job, so if I had to live without cable TV or eating take out more than once a month, I did just that.
No, Edward had scared the living crap out of me and with it, brought a bucket full of sunshine into my previously monotone life filled with an ever changing array of grey.
Clutching the postcard to my chest, I fell asleep dreaming of a life basked in supersaturated color and vivid adventure.
~~00~~
Postcard Image: Double Decker Bus crossing the Thames River with the historic Big Ben in the background
Postmark: January 23, 2010 London, UK
Dearest Bella,
I’m now in London, a brief stop before I have to head to Asia for much of February. I’d love to see your beautiful expressions if you could be here, walking the misty streets with me. Exploring the city and drinking pints at the pub around the corner. I wish that I could hear your calming voice as I drift off to sleep at night, but I must confess that the reason I haven’t called in so long is that my mobile was stolen from me when I was in Heathrow airport a few weeks ago as I made my way to Dubai. I had hoped perhaps I’d just misplaced it, but no such luck. My boss has told me I needed to wait until I returned to the States to get a new one, something about incompatibility and security. Know that I miss you with every breath I take. Sorry, almost started quoting the Police there. I hope to be back in New York soon. Be safe.
Love, Edward
Be safe. Those two words resonated deep in my mind, remembering the first time he whispered them into my ear. The day we met, just as I stumbled off the stool to make my way to the restroom after one too many martinis.
~0~
“Martini Girl, you’re going to be the death of me. I’m rather enjoying your company and don’t want to see you get hurt. Now hurry along. And please, be safe. I’ll get us a table for dinner in the meantime. I think you need some food.” His smile was crooked and his voice’s deep timbre was playful. I almost melted into the floor right then and there.
By the time I returned he was standing in the front by the hostess desk talking on his phone. Meandering through the dense happy hour crowd, I could barely hear him over the din in the room.
“Just because you couldn’t close, doesn’t mean that I won’t. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” He snapped his phone shut with a loud click and turned to see me standing at his back. Forcing a smile to his face, he took my arm and began following a leggy blonde that must have been taking us to our table. “I almost sent out a search party,” he teased, pinching me lightly in the side before pulling out my chair when we arrived at the table.
I could feel my face blush fiercely at his insinuation I’d taken too long in the bathroom. In reality there were five women queued ahead of me, par for the course.
“Um, the line was long. Sorry to have kept you waiting,” I mumbled, fumbling with the napkin on my lap.
“Hey, I was only kidding. Come on, Martini Girl, lighten up. We were having a good time, right? Let’s enjoy some dinner and see where the night takes us, okay?” The feel of his hand grasping my own sent goose bumps over my skin, even though they were warm and soft, unlike my father’s that had been so rough and dry from working outdoors every chance he’d gotten. I wondered what Edward did for a living, how he afforded fancy suits and expensive restaurants. It wasn’t until that moment I realized how out of place my own faded dress pants looked against the crisp black tablecloth, and how you could tell the blouse I was wearing came from Marshalls rather than Barneys. I felt awkward in my own skin here at this expensive restaurant I’d only come to because Angela said they made a mean martini that was served at a quarter of the price during happy hour. No, I really, really, didn’t belong in this room filled with people who were way above my stature in life. Edward’s hand grounded me as it continued to caress along the backs of my knuckles and down to my wrist, keeping me from fleeing the scene. It was almost as if he could sense my shame among this beautiful crowd.
“What are you thinking about? You have this… this intense look on your face.”
“Um, I was sort of wondering what it was that you did for a living?” My inquiry was met with a bit of a scowl.
“I’m in corporate espionage. The government pays me quite well to look into foreign companies that may have dealings with Al-Qaeda and other terrorist cells. I’m actually only in the city working on a lead. I leave for Dubai in about two weeks.” To say I was skeptical would have been an understatement. I knew I was a naive small town girl from the Pacific Northwest, but he didn’t even blink. Not even a twitch as he revealed this information to me. “I’m not really supposed to talk too much about it, but well, I wanted to be honest with you, Martini Girl. Have I earned your trust enough to get your name yet?” He asked, chuckling at what must have been the disbelieving look on my face.
“Uh, it’s Isabella. No, just Bella. I’m Bella,” I blurted, cheeks blooming in color over my gaff.
“Hmm… I’m not sure if I prefer your name to Martini Girl, but I suppose Bella is a fitting name for such a bellissima woman.”
I swooned. I hated to admit it to my normally very rational brain, but his Italian accent over that one word left me aching for more.
“You speak Italian?”
“Hmm? Oh, just a little. I had to learn a little of a lot of languages for my job. You know, things like where’s the bathroom and another beer please.” He was so nonchalant about his work overseas. I felt envious of his travels, never having been anywhere but Washington and now New York. We never had the money to travel when I was young, and coming to the City was as bold a step as I had been willing to take.
“Have you travelled much?” he asked softly. I desperately wanted to respond with a more mature and worldly answer, but just shook my head dejectedly and took another long sip from my drink. “Really? There’s so much to see...,” he replied, sighing contentedly as his eyes looked over my head, lost in thought.
I wished that I could have had some kind of adventure, something noteworthy to add to what would end up being a rather one sided conversation about the various countries he’d visited. Instead, I sat in awe of all the places he’d seen and discovered during his travels, my mind wrapping them into vivid landscapes and picturesque backdrops of a life that I could only imagine.
~0~
Resting my head against the wall, I closed my eyes and tried to imagine walking side by side with Edward, touring the Tower of London, shopping in Oxford Circus, and stopping for bangers and mash at the pub around the corner of the ancient hotel we would’ve been staying in. He’d sounded so sincere about the places he’d promised to take me, but could I wait long enough for him to return. And would he hold true to his word? I could only hope in due time that all good things would come to fruition.
Setting the card aside, I tugged on the bottom of the futon to pull it flat and got ready for bed, hoping that tonight my dreams would transport me to another of the exotic locales that Edward had shaped inside my imagination.
~~00~~
Postcard Image: The Hong Kong Convention & Exhibition Center in North Wanchai dominates this photograph of Hong Kong's Central business district under a spectacular sunset.
Postmark: February 15, 2010 Hong Kong, PRC
Dearest Bella,
Happy Valentine’s Day. I’m so sorry I wasn’t in New York to celebrate with you. Hopefully the flowers arrived well before this actual postcard did. It looks like I will be in Asia for a bit longer than I had originally planned. I’m still not sure when I’ll be back in New York, but know that I dream of holding you in my arms and not letting you go for a very, very, long time when I do. Maybe next Valentine’s Day we can spend it in Paris at the top of the Eiffel Tower, or floating around the canals of Venice? Or perhaps we’ll just stay in bed, eating chocolate covered strawberries off one another. God, I miss you. I hope you are doing well and that you aren’t missing me nearly as much as I’m missing you, because if you are, then we’re both pretty miserable right now. Work sent me a new phone, but I don’t have your number anymore. I can’t write mine here because I can’t risk having it intercepted. But I forgot you have e-mail, right? Why did we not exchange addresses before I left? Please drop me a line at my private address 6Y1NS@gmail.com
Love,
Edward
Edward
The bouquet of drooping flowers still sat on the tiny table I used as my multifunctional dining table, desk, and countertop when I actually felt like cooking something fancier than ramen. The gorgeous pink and yellow rosebuds had burst open to their peak a few days following the holiday that I spent alone, wishing I was anywhere but hiding in my solitary apartment. Edward’s card with the flowers was a simply stated ‘I miss you’. My heart had surged knowing that he remembered the silly Hallmark holiday. When I had received his postcard with his e-mail, I sent him a note straight away giving him my phone number, hoping like hell that he would use it soon. It was now two days later and still he hadn’t called or replied. While I intrinsically knew he had a serious job to do, the unmistakable silence felt a lot like rejection. Shaking the thought from my mind, I tried to focus on the fact he’d been sending me postcards from these countries, and having to hunt down a place to buy stamps and mail them off. If he was taking all that time to deliver them to me, I must be worth the trouble, right? Inhaling what was left of the fragrant flowers beside me, I rested my head in my hand and imagined him back in my apartment many weeks ago, wishing he were right beside me.
“Isabella, did you know that Brooklyn is actually located on Long Island, and it was the last of the boroughs to join what is now considered New York City?” His words were spoken across the back of my neck and shoulder as he was trying to talk his way into my bed. My brain and hands had been pushing away his attempts for the last couple of hours, but I wasn’t sure how long my resistance would last against his current verbal assault.
“Why do you even know that, or find that fascinating enough to share with me?” I huffed, standing up and pulling my shirt back up over my shoulder. Edward had been distracting me all night with little bits of trivia from his ever-expanding knowledge base. Most of the evening he talked right over my head, but I found his fast paced life travelling to the ends of the earth infinitely fascinating. I was still pondering how I’d ended up being coerced into inviting him back to my place. He was a smooth operator and I really wasn’t ready to hang up on him.
“Bella, get out of your head for five minutes. Come back here.” He patted the spot next to him on my futon and looked up at me with most ridiculous puppy dog eyes I’d ever been witness to. I couldn’t resist the pull that he seemingly had over me. Grabbing water out of my refrigerator, I stumbled back towards the bed, towards the insanely good looking man that was throwing his best bedroom eyes at me.
“Bella, you need to just relax. You’re entirely too tense for someone as young and beautiful as yourself.” He quickly tugged me towards him, hands softly kneading my taut neck muscles. After a while the soothing rhythm of push and pull was making me drowsy.
“Edward, as good as this feels, I’m going to have to go to bed. I’m not usually a big drinker and those three martinis, and the wine with dinner, pushed me over the edge…” My explanation was cut off by Edward’s soft lips taking over mine. As soon as they descended on my own I felt drunk, not from consumption, but from the thrill of doing something that my normal self would never do. Making out with a virtual stranger on my bed after spending a few hours with him was absolutely unheard of in my life.
I was safe, routine, normal. I internally winced when I came across a few adjectives that were far more descriptive than I wanted to face up to. I was dull, boring, bland, and completely unremarkable. I wanted to live on the edge, even if it was only for one night. Throwing caution to the wind, I spun quickly, straddling Edward’s lap, and kissed him with everything I had.
“Glad to see we’re on the same page, Martini Girl,” he chuckled, dragging me back against him as he fell onto the futon. Our limbs tangled together while our mouths never ceased their exploration of one another.
I felt a tear streak down my cheek at the memory of where it all started. Our whirlwind romance where we barely left my apartment for almost two weeks, when I started to fall in love with the mysterious man who now resorted to sending me postcards from far off lands. It was the beginning of his deluge of Technicolor to my previously drab black and white movie.
~~OO~~
Postcard image: Shanghai Skyline at Sunset
Postmark: February 24, 2010 Shanghai, PRC
Dearest Bella,
As you can see from the postcard I’m in China now. After driving for three hours over dusty pothole riddled roads, I can honestly say I really, truly wish I was back in New York City with you. This country is an amazing place and I can only hope to share it with you someday. Work’s been hard, and with you constantly on my mind, I’ve been distracted more often than not. I miss the feel of your lips as they grazed against my neck, the feel of your nails as they raked through my hair, but most of all I miss the way you looked at me. With your huge expressive brown eyes that always told the truth, even if you couldn’t get the words past your lips. I have been meaning to call, but it seems every time I want to it is the middle of the night for you. My internet has been spotty at best, but I’m craving to hear from you, so hopefully you’ll reply back soon. Know that with every waking moment, I wish I was there right beside you.
Love,
Edward
The window was being pelted with rain as it poured down out of the sky. The somber mood outside was about as gloomy as the mood inside my dreary apartment. It’s been over two months since I’ve seen Edward, and I couldn’t help but wonder what the hell I was doing. How did I end up completely enraptured with a man who was wholly unavailable, geographically speaking? We’d exchanged a few e-mails and texts, but they were few and far between. Our hours were just not compatible at the moment for talking, and I was terrible at texting on my outdated phone. I e-mailed him almost once a day, and while he replied when he could, I still sometimes felt the overwhelming ache of the distance between us. Closing my eyes, my mind drifted back to some of his promises whispered in the dead of night as we were drifting off to sleep, exhausted from our previous sexual workout.
“I want to show you the world. All of it. Every square, exotic inch of it. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen the Pyramids at dawn, or experienced Chinese New Year in Beijing.”
“We’ll go to Rio for Carnival where I’ll get you to dance the samba and swim topless at Copacabana beach. You’d look spectacular in the teeny bikini you’d have to wear to fit in there. We’ll eat churrasco and drink caipirinhas watching the sunset over Sugarloaf. ”
“You’ll never believe how exquisite Prague is in the waning hours of the day. Did you know Hitler thought it was too beautiful to destroy in the war? It’s one of the few cities he didn’t demolish to rubble.”
“The feel of a dolphin swimming past you, or watching a giant turtle majestically float by while diving in the Caribbean, just can’t be described. We’ll get you certified soon and we’ll visit all the best reefs. Who knows, maybe I can even get you cage diving in Australia.”
After each of these murmured promises, my mind would expand to allow the possibility of these escapades to filter in past my narrow-minded view of the world around me. Of course the kisses he trailed behind my ear or down my neck helped to imbed them further into my hopes, and now my dreams of a future with Edward.
~~00~~
Postcard Image: Parc Guell Mosaic by Gaudi
Postmark: March 16, 2010 Barcelona, Spain
Dearest Bella,
I’m currently in Barcelona, one of my all-time favorite cities in Europe. The front of this postcard is some of the mosaic work of Gaudi. I can’t wait to take you to see his amazing cathedral, La Sagrada Familia, and Parc Guell. I find his art so interesting and unique. The city feels like it never sleeps, except for siesta time I suppose, which you need after staying up half the night eating tapas. I hope you are doing well. I think that I will be in New York soon. Hopefully late April, but I will let you know as soon as I know. You’re on my mind often, and I can’t wait to hold you in my arms again. Until then, I’ll continue to dream I’m doing just that.
Love,
Edward
I was on the fifth time rereading my postcard from Edward and my heart clenched just as much this time as it did when I first read it last night. He was coming home. I was afraid to get my hopes up because as with everything in my life, there was one word that separated it from actually happening. Think. He thought he was going to be in town. He hoped he would be coming home to me. And this was what would absolutely break me should I allow my expectations to get the best of me. I missed his presence in my life so profoundly that even my co-workers noticed a change in my attitude. I’d began placing personal items around my normally neat and sparse desk. The neglected plant that was lacking light in my apartment was brought to the office in hopes that the sunny window near my cube would provide more sun for it to thrive. And that little plant felt like a metaphor for me. I felt like I was beginning to thrive and to dream of better things. Today I’d even ventured out of my neighborhood and stumbled upon a farmers market just a few blocks away that I never even knew existed. I’d gotten some fruit to snack on at work for the week and even bought a simple silver bracelet with a heart shaped locket that reminded me of Edward’s whispered declaration the night before he departed from my life.
“Isabella, how have you so thoroughly captured me? Trapped my heart and placed it in a gilded cage? How will I survive until I see you again without my heart? With it here next to you, beating a slow rallentando tempo, just waiting for me to return to you and back to the owner of my heart? Do you see? Do you understand the depth of my feelings? Because it may very well ruin me…” Edward’s breathy revelation allowed me to declare my identical feelings with him. I’d fallen deeply and quickly and never in my life had I felt so alive, so brilliantly vibrant and whole.
Feeling decadent, I took the train into Manhattan and choose to just wander the city and see where it took me. The thrill of adventure coursed through my veins, even if it was just the city that was across the river and not oceans away. I hadn’t really explored the city, and for some inexplicable reason I was drawn to do so on that sunny and beautiful spring day. Getting off at the South Street Seaport, I wandered, watching as the tourists buzzed around the area, milling about the tall ships that were docked, and visiting the various shops and eateries nearby. Standing by the railing, I looked over the water and imagined for a moment what it would feel like to be on one of those ships, headed off to a far off shore. Or to be a sailor docked at the harbor like On The Town, trying to squeeze all the sights into just one day. What would I do and see if I didn’t have the luxury of living in this amazing city that I seemed to have neglected since arriving.
The revelation that I had allowed my fear of living to drive my life startled me to such a degree that I had to clutch the railing to keep myself from stumbling onto the pavement. While I thought I was escaping my boring drab life in Forks, I had only really changed locations, not the adjectives used to describe it. Shaking the glum thoughts away, I tried to grab onto the gleeful ones I had when Edward was present in my life. I skipped off to a sidewalk vendor and bought myself a pretzel and continued to walk, and walk, and walk. My head constantly swiveled around, trying to take in all the sites that I’d never even noticed. After two hours of walking, I suddenly realized I was on the edge of Central Park. I wasn’t sure how safe it was for me to have just walked that entire distance, but I felt good. Alive for the first time since Edward had been in my bed.
The air was crisp, and while I knew it couldn’t possibly be clean, it felt like it was. The tall trees of the park looming in front of me felt a little like home, as if I was about to head deep into the woods in search of some imaginary treasure. Before continuing into the park, I looked around to see if I could find a little coffee shop to warm my hands up a bit and grab my favorite indulgence, a skinny mocha latte with extra foam. I normally didn’t have the spare money for something as extravagant as a five dollar cup of coffee, but I was feeling a bit reckless and wild after having meandered through most of lower Manhattan. I witnessed cages of live chickens on the streets of Chinatown, window shopped my way through SoHo, but really wished I’d veered a little East and picked up a cannoli in Little Italy instead. Finding what I was looking for, I wandered over to the corner and waited for the light to cross the street. It was at that exact moment that time stood still. I felt like I was in the Matrix, where the action stopped and I was the only one allowed to move about the frame.
A mop of bronze hair peeked out above the crowd, walking in front of the coffee shop I was heading to. Could it be? Could Edward be in town? I rushed across the street, not worried one iota for my safety. Dodging cabbies and honking cars, I bounced on the balls of my feet to see if my eyes are deceiving me. Not caring that I probably looked like a crazy homeless woman running through the streets of New York, I started screaming Edward’s name, trying to get the mysterious man with the identical hair color as my man to turn and show his face, or at least stop his frantic pace down the sidewalk.
“Edward!” I was weaving and skirting around all the other pedestrians standing between me and my goal. My mind wasn’t thinking about the fact that he shouldn’t have been in town right now, or the fact that something might just be amiss about the entire situation I had gotten myself into. No, its precision like focus was on getting to the man who while I had been holding his heart hostage, he had been doing the same with mine since he left.
I watched as the man turned into an awning covered door. Lurching to a stop, I read the words above the door, The Oak Room, before entering. I didn’t care that the people were dressed in clothes that cost more than my annual rent, or that I probably looked a windblown mess. No, I only cared if Edward was the man I saw enter the building.
Whipping my head around, I ignored the snotty, “can I help you,” that some bitchy hostess asked, looking down her nose in distain at me.
I saw the man in question across the dimly lit room, kissing the cheek of a tiny brunette woman before taking a seat next to her and a blond haired man. The woman smiled brightly and I could only wonder if I was about to make a complete ass out of myself as I walked through the dining room, trying to nonchalantly get a better view.
I almost made it. If it weren’t for my feet’s complete and utter lack of coordination, I could have snuck around the corner, taken a peek and walked out, knowing that my imagination had gotten the best of me.
Nope, instead I tripped over one of the table legs, taking the table cloth along with all the glasses and flatware with me. Lying face down, surrounded by shards of glass and silverware, I heard what my heart wished I hadn’t.
“Isabella? Is that you?”
~~00~~
Part 2 -
Pic Tease for my followers :-)
~~~OO~~~
Part 2
“Isabella, is that you?” Edward whispered, pushing aside a piece of hair that had fallen over my eyes. I could still feel glass and silverware lying on and around me, but there was a flurry of activity from the staff trying to clean it up.
“Edward?” I wanted to say more, but with all the bustle of people, my shyness overcame my intense curiosity. My line of questioning would have to wait.
Carefully helping me up, he pulled me into his arms, brushing any remaining shards of glass from my hair and murmuring how happy he was to see me. It felt so good to be encased in his arms once again after so, so long.
As wonderful as it felt to be held by him, I needed some answers and boldly decided that I couldn’t wait any longer for an explanation. “What are you doing in town? Your last postcard said sometime in mid-April? And your e-mail didn’t mention it. Did you get an assignment suddenly?” I asked, pulling away to look into his eyes, desperate for the truth behind his amazing reappearance. My mind was whirring with all the possibilities, completely ignoring the nagging sensation that all wasn’t what it seemed.
“Edward?” A tinkling voice called from behind him.
I barely heard him curse before he spun us both around to face the petite brunette now standing and looking questioningly at us. She was elegantly dressed, and even though I wasn’t in to fashion, I could tell she was decked out in some very expensive and beautiful clothes.
“Alice, this is Bella. Bella, this is my sister, Alice.” As happy as I was to find out this was his sister and not some other girl he was seeing behind my back, I still couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling of dread.
“Bella, I’d like to say my brother has told me all about you, but he hasn’t.” Her tone was teasing as she extended her hand and smiled warmly.
“I guess I would say the same,” I replied timidly, still completely confused at what was happening.
“Um…Bella’s the reason I’ve been thinking about moving back here,” Edward explained to his sister. He reached down and grasped my hand, as if he knew I was tempted to flee the scene.
My ears perked up at the mention of him moving to New York, but I wasn’t sure why he was discussing this with his sister instead of me? My heart beat faster with the knowledge that he was considering moving here for me. Glancing up at him, I stared in awe at his chiseled features, watching as he spoke briefly with his sister and the blonde haired man, who I found out, was his brother in law.
He turned to face me, leaned down and placed his mouth close to my ear, “Bella, can you come back to my apartment? I have some things I need to talk to you about, but this isn’t’ really the best location for that,” he whispered.
His sister was watching us intently, but instead of interrupting our moment, she allowed me to answer before she asked when Edward was planning on coming back to the hospital.
“I’ll be there in a couple hours. She’ll be in recovery for a little while anyways,” he replied cryptically, tugging me towards the exit before I could even exchange a polite goodbye with the tiny woman.
My mind whirred trying to figure out who was in the hospital and why he was here having brunch instead of being with them? Once our feet hit the sidewalk, my mind regained the momentum it had built up earlier, wanting to know the answers to all of the questions that were buzzing through my mind.
Before I had a chance, almost like a mind reader, Edward began speaking. “Bella, before you start, I promise to answer everything once we get to my apartment. Although, I did leave you two messages on your phone. Did you not get them?” He was walking so fast that my feet could barely keep up. I registered his question and patted down my pockets, realizing that I didn’t have it with me.
“I must have forgotten it at home. Guess I was so set on experiencing New York that I left without it. What did the message say?” His face was creased with worry, and I had a distinct feeling that it wasn’t about me.
He stopped walking for a moment, stepping back against a building and hugging me tightly to him. “I’m in town because my mom had to have an emergency hysterectomy. Alice called me and I caught the first flight. I left you a message about an hour and a half ago when I first landed and another a little bit ago.” Kissing my forehead, he whispered how happy he was to see me before he tugged on my hand to get us walking back towards the Upper East Side.
“Is she okay? You told Alice she’d be in recovery for a while. Is she out of surgery?”
“She was being taken back just before I headed out to meet Alice and Jasper for a bite to eat to wait it out. The doctors said it would be an hour or two and that the food in the cafeteria should be avoided at all costs.” Stopping abruptly in front of a grand old building, he tugged the door open before the doorman could even get around the desk.
“This is the apartment I stay in when I’m in town. It’s actually Alice’s, but she lets me stay here since she got married to Jasper. It wasn’t a great time to sell, so she lets me rent it from her,” he explained as the elevator rose, finally stopping at the twenty-second floor.
“Edward, why didn’t you tell me you had a place when we were together in January?” My mind raced. Just knowing he lived in such a beautifully kept building made my hovel of a studio look like a cardboard box in comparison. Why had he chosen to stay with me when we could have come here? I thought, just as he unlocked his door and allowed me to enter before him.
“Bella, please. I promise to tell you everything. Please, just sit down.” Before I had a chance to take another step, I was in awe at the view that laid before me. A wall of narrow windows overlooked the Park, the lush greenery casting a natural glow that was hard to achieve in the City. Glancing around, I took in the open space that must have been renovated. A building this old would have had tiny hallways between all the rooms, instead I stood facing a large living room with a dark brown leather sofa and two matching club chairs, all aimed at what had to have been a sixty inch television. The kitchen was pristine and pushed off to the side with stainless steel appliances and dark marbled granite that had a similar brown as the sofa and tan to match the walls.
“You live here? Why did you stay at my place eating ramen and hot pockets when we could’ve been here, Edward?” My voice was reaching a pitch I’m sure only dogs could hear, but the dam had broken. None of this made sense with everything he’d told me in the two weeks we were together.
“Bella, please, sit.” His tone was bordering on a command but laced with frustration. What I couldn’t tell was if the frustration was at himself or me?
Shuffling my way over to one of the club chairs, I curled into a ball, as if protecting myself from whatever was about to attack.
“I’d offer you a drink, but I didn’t stop at the store before coming home. I may have some wine around if you’d like some?” he called out, his head buried inside one of his cabinets. “Ah ha! I have some scotch and a little gin. Nothing to mix and I’m sure the ice is at least three months old...”
Cutting him off, I replied, “Scotch would be great. Just a little. No ice.” Normally I didn’t drink the stuff, but I sensed I would need it not only for the conversation we would be having, but to keep my hands busy. I was known for fiddling with things, but I didn’t want Edward to see my nervous ticks after being separated for so long. I just wanted the truth about whatever it was he needed to tell me and hopefully we could move into what I was sure would be a fluffy, overstuffed bed. I’d craved his touch for far too long, and with him in the same room as me for the first time since January, I only wanted to tear his shirt off and feel his warm, smooth skin against my own.
Handing me my drink, he sat across from me, turning his body in the chair to face me.
“First, let me say that I’m so fucking happy to see you.” His words were spoken as if he was exhaling after having carried a heavy load up the stairs. It was breathy and teetering on the edge of being emotional.
“I missed you too. But you already knew that.” I smiled nervously at him, waiting for him to continue speaking.
He smirked for just a moment at my comment before it quickly disappeared behind a mask of furrowed brows and a deep seated frown. “Bella, do you remember that night I met you?”
Nodding, I still felt like I was in the dark, baffled as to where he was going with his explanation.
I heard Edward sigh heavily before explaining what would ultimately ruin everything, “When I met you I was just looking for a hook up; a woman to fulfill a need. Someone to kill a little time with before I had to go back to London…back to my life.”
Taking a large gulp from the scotch in my now shaking hand, I bit my lip to keep it from trembling; knowing that tears were threatening to escape. I wanted to shout, yell, anything, but that wasn’t me. I stayed silent, waiting for him to continue in the awkward silence while my mind created up inventive ways to castrate him.
“Bella, you have to understand. Before I met you? I wasn’t the person I am now. I wasn’t nice. Do you want to know the reason why I chose to sit down beside you that night?” His voice was shaky, almost as much as his hands were while his eyes were trained on the rug beneath his expensive shoes.
I didn’t reply, allowing the quiet to swallow us both whole. He turned his eyes up and I stared at the tears trailing down his cheeks as he explained that he thought I was a tourist. Based on what I was wearing, the way I carried myself, even the way I spoke made him think I would be easy pickings. Someone who he could love and leave without any really complications. It wasn’t until after the cab dropped us off at my little studio in Brooklyn that he’d realized his mistake, a mistake that he was ultimately happy to have made.
He was now kneeling in front of me, eyes apologetically wide as he continued to confess how sorry he was, that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. My mind couldn’t grasp that he was choosing to now tell me the truth over all the lies he’d told repeatedly over the course of the last three months. He wasn’t in corporate espionage, but rather a vice president of global manufacturing and distribution for his sister’s clothing line. He lived in London when he wasn’t travelling to far off places. He’d wanted to confess everything after we woke up that first morning together, but didn’t want to lose the look of awe, appreciation, and respect that I had written all over my face.
Pushing him away, I shook my head, trying to clear it. The information was becoming too much. Too many secrets. Too many falsehoods. How could I ever trust another word that came out of his mouth? Dropping the glass to the ground, I jumped up from my seat and ran out the door. He caught me at the elevator and wrapped his arms around me, trying to stop my forward progress. I shook with anger, embarrassment, and most of all heartbreak over the one man I’d allowed myself to fall for, even when my common sense told me it was all too good to be true.
The elevator doors opened and I freed myself from his grasp, turning and looking at his beautiful, grief stricken face one last time as I slowly backed into the waiting car. Just before the doors closed, I whispered my final goodbye. Finally alone, I clutched my chest, the pain radiating like a heart attack. My breaths came out in pants as I tried to calm myself enough to avoid hyperventilating. Once the elevator door opened, I flew out of the building, crashing into some poor shopper and sent her bags flying into the air. Shouting an apology over my shoulder, I ran until I finally came to a subway station and descended below the ground. Seeing a bench open, I sat heavily and cried. I cried for my stupidity, my naivety, and ultimately the love that even after all the lies, I couldn’t just turn off. I cried as much as my heartache would allow until I finally realized what a huge scene I was making.
Three or four trains later, I finally stood on shaky legs and entered the car that would take me home…take me back to my sense of solace. Even if it was grey and somber, at least it was true and real; not some sham of a pretend relationship that I’d been foolish enough to believe in.
~Pic Tease for my followers~
~~~OO~~~
Part 3 - Conclusion
~~3 months later~~
Postcard image Bluefields Bay, Jamaica
Postmark: June 29th, 2010 Montego Bay, Jamaica
Dear Angela,
Can you believe I’m actually in Jamaica? I mean, honestly, when Alice asked to speak with me back in April, I never would have expected to be the face of MA Designs’ ready to wear collection. It’s been sweltering here for the last couple of days, but thankfully we start around dawn and take a break midday until a few hours before sunset. I never imagined I’d be in a place like this, let alone with hair and makeup people. Hell, I even have a person who ensures my tan is even. Well, the fake kind, since you know how burnt I get. We’re heading to Europe in another week to do a shoot in Croatia, then on to Paris, and finally to Sydney and New York for Fashion Week. Whew, I’m exhausted just thinking about it. LOL. I’ll have Alice get you a seat for our show. Miss you lots and say hi to the rest of the gang for me.
Love, Bella
~0~
The last two months had been a tornado of unexpected events that had completely changed my future. Gone was the naïve, shy girl from Northwestern Washington, and in her place was a confident and soon to be worldly woman. I wasn’t sure where this new persona had been hiding, but I sensed that she’d been inside me all along, just waiting for the right moment to break free of the chains that I had shackled myself to.
When I got a call from Alice a week after Edward had broken my heart into smithereens, I thought it was a joke. She dialed into my office line direct, a number I’d never given Edward. When she told me who she was, I almost hung up on her, thinking she was calling to make excuses for her brother. Instead, she promised not to even breathe his name until I gave her permission. And as of yet, I never had.
We’d had lunch later that week, and the bomb that fell out of her mouth sent my world spinning off axis, the shrapnel flying into every aspect of my life.
With my brown eyes, brown hair, average nose, big eyes, and plump lips, I’d never thought of myself as especially pretty. I remember someone once calling me a fish in grade school, and the image sort of took over from there. Once Alice whisked me around to her favorite spa and salon, I knew I’d never be the same person again. My hair was cut and highlighted into a sleek straight style with dashes of auburn glimmering in the sunlight. My eyebrows, and just about all my other extraneous hair, was waxed off to perfection to give my large eyes a doe like quality. In a word, I was stunning. After our little makeover, she took me back to her workshop to see if her eye for size was on the mark. Her ready to wear collection was filled with gorgeous prints and cuts that made my boyish figure somehow appear tantalizing. With a long drawn out whistle, she let me know how acceptable our arrangement was to her.
Almost three months later, I was in the middle of my first on location photo shoot for her collection. The images were going to be used for catalogues, websites, and advertisements for her new brand. She’s signed me to an exclusive agreement for the next two years, not wanting her competitors to see me in action and try to nab me from her grasp. In the two months that preceded the trip, there were classes for me to attend on how to walk, pose, and even how to stand. There were so many fittings and meetings that my head just about exploded with all the new information I needed to remember and utilize. It was exhausting, but utterly exhilarating all the same. I’d never felt so invigorated, so freaking alive in my entire life. Thankfully the work usually kept me so busy and tired that I rarely thought of him and his betrayal of my all-encompassing trust. Except on some nights, when I was alone and sleep eluded me, his image would flutter behind my eyelids, my imagination on a continual loop of what might have been. It couldn’t be helped. I wanted the happily ever after that only the storybooks and romantic comedies seemed so good at creating. Of course every morning I would chastise myself, get myself out of bed, and push him to the darkest recesses of my mind. I didn’t have time to wallow in the past with a future hurtling towards me at what felt like Mach speeds.
Laying on the fluffy king sized bed, I was trying to take a nap before having to get up and head to hair and makeup. We were travelling inland to some waterfall location, so our break was going to be shorter than usual. However, my brain just wouldn’t shut down. I’d been up since four am and we’d been out the night before. I should be exhausted, yet just like it always did, my mind drifted to the man who I hadn’t spoken to since I walked out of his apartment three months ago. Of course, that didn’t stop him from trying to contact me.
The first week alone he’d called me forty-six times, e-mailed me twenty-two, and texted another fifteen. I listened to each and every pathetic message he left, longing to be able to forgive him for lying to me, yet the sting of humiliation left a welt inside my heart that wouldn’t heal any time soon. He’d pounded on my door, sent me flowers, and camped out beneath my window singing me love songs into the dead of night until my landlord had had quite enough and called the police on him. I remember the last of his penned notes being pushed under my door, telling me that he had to go back to China for a few weeks, but wasn’t giving up on me or us.
Us.
How ridiculous; there was no us.
Wiping the tears from beneath my eyes, I pushed off the bed and walked to the bathroom, hoping a shower would cleanse all the polluted images I’d been secretly holding hostage.
Postcard image: Krka Waterfalls, Dalmatia, Croatia
Postmark: July 15th, 2010, Dalmatia, Croatia
Dear Alice,
I can’t believe how amazing this place is. Yesterday we shot at the Krka Falls, the picture on the other side of this card. Irina sure knows her stuff about location shoots. She and Jacob showed me around when we had some down time around the bad weather. The Dalmatian Islands are really beautiful and so historic. I can’t believe you pay me to do this! Thank you. A million times, thank you! How are things in New York? I’m looking forward to catching up with you in Paris later in the month. Please pass on my gratitude to Rose for fixing my hotel and flights after that mix up. See you soon.
Love, Bella
I slipped the card into the mailbox at the airport just before I boarded the plane to Paris. I’d been hanging on to that card for a week now, trying to find a place to mail it. Even though I’d be seeing Alice before she got the card, I hoped she appreciated the gesture.
I was starting to be a little road weary from my day of Planes, Trains and Automobiles. After leaving the Dalmatian Islands behind, the local crew drove us into to Split where we caught the train up to the airport. The train got us in hours before our flight was due to leave for Paris. Clutching my backpack, I laid my head down and allowed the music on my iPod to fill my ears with Death Cab’s You Are a Tourist. It felt appropriate with my new current state of being. I too felt the burning in my heart, the all-encompassing yearning for something bigger than myself. Something I could deny no longer.
Flitting from town to town, it was everything I dreamt it would be, except for one heart wrenching detail. Although I was constantly surrounded by people, I’d never felt more alone. Even with my new outlook on life, I felt like a wolf in sheep’s clothing; a complete and utter fraud. I loved modeling, more than I ever would have imagined before all of this, looking through the glossy magazines of the other waifish models that graced their pages. I wasn’t like them. This hadn’t always been my dream, although it was now a conduit, allowing me to travel the world to experience all that I did dream about.
Yet something was absent, and deep in the dark recesses of my now cold and broken heart, I knew exactly what it was, and even how I could fix it. But to repair it would mean swallowing my self-respect and dignity, opening myself up for the possibility of even more heartbreak and humiliation. Shaking my head, I banished the thought. I just couldn’t do that again. No, I thought, I wouldn’t do that again.
A nudge to my arm woke me from my uncomfortable nap against my backpack.
“Bella, we’re boarding,” Jacob whispered, trying not to startle me more than he had already.
“Thanks. I’ll be right there.”
Jacob had been the photographer for our shoot and was making his way back to Paris where he lived.
Pulling myself upright, I situated the heavy bag onto my shoulders and made my way onto the plane, looking forward to hopefully catching some sleep on the way. If only I could keep him from my subconscious for one freaking night.
Postcard image: Beneath the Eiffel Tower at night
Postmark: July 22, 2010 Paris, France
Dear Angela,
Can you freaking believe it? I’m ACTUALLY in Paris!! Remember the picture of Notre Dame that I had as my computer background? I saw it in person! I feel like singing Gershwin while skipping down the wide avenues. The food is absolutely amazing and the men... Boy, Ang, if you weren’t already engaged, I’d have you meet some of the male model’s I’ve met through Alice’s French office. Whew… crazy hot. We’re geared up to go to Australia in another two weeks for their Fashion Week. I’m currently staying at Alice’s flat near the center of Paris. It’s small, but very quaint and historic. She’s been really busy finishing up all of the lines that she’s showcasing there. It’s winter there, so the line is completely different than the one for New York. I swear I don’t know how she does it. I’ll write soon and say hi to everyone for me. Miss you and give a hug to Baxter. I’ll be back before he knows it.
Love, Bella
~O~
Sitting down on the twin bed in Alice’s guest room, I secured the strap around the Miu Miu sling backs that Alice had given to me after my first test shoot. It was almost like a reward for being the prize pup at the kennel show or something, but they were a fantastic shade of crimson, and I couldn’t deny how amazing they made my legs look, not to mention the additional 4 inches they gave my height. Tonight I was matching them with one of Alice’s own designs, a black and white printed, one-shoulder, shutter pleated dress that hugged my form like I wished a lover would.
Tonight. Tonight. Tonight. I repeated in my head over and over.
Tonight I was heading out with Jacob, the photographer I had worked with in Croatia. He was tall, built like a linebacker, but had the personality of a much smaller and meeker man. For being such a popular and well established photographer in the fashion industry, I wondered how he remained so shy and humble. Alice only explained that his kind nature allowed the models to be comfortable around him, giving him a chance to shoot them much more relaxed than if he barked out orders like so many others of his kind did.
I heard the doorbell chime and made my way over to the door, picking up my clutch on the way. Tugging the tired and weathered oak door open, I saw a sight I hadn’t seen in almost four months.
“Edward!” I gasped, stepping back out of the doorway in shock, stumbling on the rug by the door. I felt his hand grab a hold of my elbow, trying to at least slow my descent to the ground. Falling on my ass in an almost gentle way, I looked up at the hand being offered to me, but couldn’t take it. I was just about to push myself up off the floor when I saw Jacob walk up the hallway, a bouquet of multi colored gerbera daisies clutched in his hand. Glancing up, he looked startled when he saw Edward standing over my prone body, hand outstretched, while I was trying as gracefully as possible to get up.
“Hi, Jacob,” I called out as nonchalantly as possible, launching myself off the floor, eyes meeting the man who had so completely wrecked me.
“Edward, Alice isn’t here. You’re welcome to wait, but she said she’d be in her workshop until very late.” Brusquely, I turned, taking the flowers from Jacob, kissing him on both cheeks in greeting and walked quickly in to the small kitchen to put the bouquet in some water. Over the running water, I heard Jacob and Edward talking like old friends.
Of course they would know each other. I mentally smacked my forehead and walked back into the foyer, wanting to get on with my date and leaving Edward alone in the darkened apartment.
“Edward, it has been too long. Why don’t you join Isabella and me for dinner? It would be nice to catch up,” Jacob suggested, his thick, French accent dragging over the words of invitation. My mind reeled that the first date I’d had since Edward was now being ruined by his unexpected arrival. My face flushed, thinking that perhaps I’d mistaken Jacob’s invitation to dinner as something more than it was.
“Bella, is that alright? I honestly didn’t know you’d be here.” Edward’s tone was laced with a thoughtful emotion I hadn’t heard in so long.
“Sure, sure. Fine.” I tried to keep the annoyance from my tone, not knowing how else to reply without being rude, even though every ounce of my being wanted to kick Edward in the balls, grinding them into the fine Turkish rug under our feet. I wanted to hurt him as bad as he destroyed me. Yet my prim and proper upbringing could only nod, giving a tight, grimacing smile to the pair of men standing in the foyer.
When I turned to close and lock the door, I never imagined how that night would turn out. Never in a million years would I have expected to welcome the enemy back into my bed.
And yet, after a filling repast filled with captivating conversation and lots of the restaurant’s table wine, we all stumbled down the avenue back to Alice’s apartment for a nightcap. Little did I know that once Jacob took his leave, I would fall back into the arms of the very same man I had been shielding myself from these long few months.
~O~
“Bella,” a hushed voice called, rousing me from the best sleep I’d had in some time. Snuggling deeper into the firm chest I was nestled in, I tried to ignore the pounding of my head, instead choosing to bask in the warmth and comfort of familiar arms.
It didn’t take my brain too long to realize exactly whose arms I was lying in. Pushing off, I glared at the beautiful man whose eyes fluttered open to gaze at me adoringly.
“Why the fuck are you in my bed?” Scrambling off of the tiny bed we’d slept in, I grabbed for the robe I’d left hanging on the back of the door. My hung-over mind scrolled through what I could remember of the end of our evening, and the sexual romp we’d engaged in.
A flicker of remorse passed across his sculpted features before he whispered, “I’m sorry. I thought we’d worked through things last night.”
“Edward! I was drunk. We haven’t even come close to resolving anything!” My hands waved around, trying to make my point, which only caused my head to pound like a jackhammer.
His head was cradled in his hands, eyes peeking up at my enraged ones. “Bella, I would do anything to prove to—“
“Shut up! Just. Shut. Up!” All the rage I’d held locked deep within the recesses of my body for months exploded out of my mouth. “I can’t. Last night was a mistake. I can’t listen to you. I can’t be with you. I can’t love a liar.” My voice shook with anger, accentuating each word carefully, knowing that if he had any feelings for me I would be hurting him as much as he hurt me. Tears escaped my eyes as I turned away from him to stare out of the room’s tiny window at my sliver of a view of the Eiffel Tower. I refused to let him see me weak, to see what he’d turned me into, or to see the shell of a person he’d created with each and every single one of his lies. Yet even as I stood, my heart peeled back and I knew I’d already told him more than I’d meant to. Almost as if I was trying to convince myself of its truth.
“I’ll be waiting,” he whispered softly as he kissed the top of my head. I heard the rustle of clothes and the creak of the door open and quietly shut behind him.
Almost as if the click of the door signaled the acceptance of my body’s willingness to break down, I did. Falling to the floor, I tugged on the lapels of the robe, tightening it to my body, frozen in a time when I had been so accepting of love.
Postcard Image: Various iconic images of Australia
Postmark: August 24, 2010 Sydney, Australia
Dear Melissa,
I’m looking forward to finally meeting you after all of our correspondence over the last month. When Alice told me you were looking for a roommate, it seemed like a perfect fit. Especially since you’re also walking her show in New York. Things Down Under have been crazy in preparation for the launch of her new line. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. I hope to get all my things out of my old apartment after Fashion Week and into our new one then. After my summer of travels, it will be good to have a place to lay my head at night for longer than a few days at a time. From the pictures and videos you’ve shown me, the apartment looks fantastic. My first purchase will be a big ass comfy bed. I’ve spent too many nights in fluffy hotel beds now to go back to my lumpy futon. See you in about a week.
Regards,
Bella
After sending off the postcard to my new roommate, I walked down one of the many pedestrian malls I’d frequented in Circular Quay over the course of the few day’s I’d been here. With the hotel close by, it was a nice area to explore when I had an odd moment of free time.
Tugging my coat tighter around my neck to break the chilly wind, my mind meandered back to the morning after my last foray with Edward. When Alice had found me curled up in a ball in her guest room hours later, she sat and listened to my self-loathing diatribe over letting Edward back into my bed for about five minutes before telling me she’d heard enough.
Whisking me into the shower, she shoved me under the spray and told me to get over it. I needed to either forgive Edward or move on. My self-induced limbo wasn’t helping me and it certainly wasn’t helping Edward, who even after four months, had not stopped sending me e-mails every day or so. I’d long since stopped reading each of them, creating a rule to forward them into a folder I rarely opened. The last time I looked I had well over two hundred e-mails sitting unopened. There was a large piece of me that wanted to delete the entire folder and block his e-mail address, thus helping to ensure the end of things, yet I couldn’t. Every time I wanted to, I would open one of his e-mails and read his apologetically thought out words and they sliced through my core. Some days it was a poem, other days just rambles about something he wanted to tell me, as if we were still lovers. I knew I was doing this to myself. Each time the wound started to heal, I’d slice it right back open. It was as if I enjoyed the pain of it all, not knowing what to do with a fully healed heart, and so I repeated the process every now and then.
After our little come to Jesus, Alice had untethered her ban on all things Edward, explaining to me the kind of person he was prior to meeting me. She told me how he’d been hurt by someone when he was in college, effectively turning him into a man whore, keeping his heart fully encased in a block of ice to keep it from feeling much of anything. Even without knowing I’d entered in to his life, she could tell something had changed. He was starting to be more like the brother she knew years before, the kind and loving one who still lived in New York and spent the holidays with the family. Not the brother that fled to London, away from the City and all the reminders of his past heartbreak. He’d turned into a Lothario, preying on women who he wouldn’t need to commit to. Yet when he’d met me, he’d changed. He actually gave me his phone number, his e-mail address, and the fact that he’d send me flowers, was a startling revelation to Alice.
We talked well into the night and I’d learned so much about Edward’s past and his present. He’d moved back to New York over the summer and had been meeting with a therapist to try and get over his commitment issues. Issues he was trying to solve for one reason only. Me.
~O~
Standing backstage amongst the throngs of other models, I knew this was it for me - my big shining moment. Alice had decided to showcase her first Ready to Wear collection in Australia’s fashion week as a tribute to her mother’s Aussie roots. She loved the country and had opened her first ever show here many years ago. I was lucky enough to be wearing three looks, including the last gown in the collection, and her most prized piece, a multicolored ode to autumn in Australia. Her bold use of color was astonishing among so many of the dark black and grey hued other collections I’d heard reviews about earlier in the week. I felt privileged to be not only a part of this fall collection, but to be the face of it.
I spotted Alice scurrying around, fixing and fiddling with all of the models standing in line. I’m sure in an attempt to burn off some of her nervous energy. This wasn’t just a huge deal for me, but a giant step for Alice as well. The fact that she’d placed so much trust in me helped to buoy my self-esteem, allowing me to center myself and mentally prepare to hopefully not fall on my ass in front of the filled to capacity room.
“Bella, you’re next,” Jane, Alice’s assistant, whispered, giving me a gentle nudge towards the side of the stage I’d be walking on. The thump of the trance beat filled my ears as I took a deep cleansing breath before hearing my cue to stride out onto the catwalk.
Exhaling, I pulled my shoulders back, threw my head up proudly and walked as confidently as I could down to the end of the runway. The view at the very end was blurred by a flurry of blinding flashes of photographer’s cameras, but I knew without a doubt Edward was there. I could feel his weighty stare, even if I couldn’t see it. Knowing now what I did about the brother and sister duo, I knew he’d never have missed her show. I’d have bet that it was likely the entire Cullen clan was in attendance too, but I couldn’t let my mind drift into that space. It needed to be focused on putting one foot in front of the other and trying to stomp my way back towards the back of the house without falling on my ass in the ridiculously tall stilettos Alice had forced all her models in to for the show.
I was exhausted by the end of it all. I wondered how I’d managed to get so tired from just walking down a hundred feet of runway three times, but I was. My back and feet ached as if I’d ran a mile in the towering shoes I’d just taken off, rather than the six hundred feet. The backstage area was crammed with people hoping to congratulate or brown nose with Alice. I stuck to the back changing area, rubbing my sore soles and waiting for a break in the crowd so I could go back to my hotel. I was tired of being surrounded by people, and I just wanted to be by myself for a while before the congratulatory launch party later in the night.
Packing up my bag, I heard the telltale cough behind me of someone trying to garner my attention. The hairs on my neck stood up and I didn’t even need to turn around to know who it was.
“Edward.”
“Bella,” he whispered, his voice sounding both nervous and seductive.
I spun to face him, noticing the day old scruff across his chin and that his hair had grown out a bit since I’d last seen him in Paris a few weeks prior. His fitted, button down shirt was midnight blue, topping grey flat front wool trousers with what appeared to be shiny, square-toed Kenneth Cole shoes. The one thing, however, that I didn’t notice was the way he was looking at me. I couldn’t meet his eyes. My emotions were all over the freaking map. There was a piece of me that wanted to forgive him for everything, knowing what I knew, but since he hadn’t been the one to reveal it, it felt as if I was now the one being deceitful.
“You were amazing. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you -”
“Edward, don’t…” I wasn’t exactly sure what it was I didn’t want him to do, but those happened to be the words that tumbled out of my mouth. I didn’t trust myself with saying more when all I really wanted to do was rush into his arms and feel his warm, protective embrace.
God I miss him.
My heart finally overruled my head and I allowed my eyes to drift up. Meeting his sad, tired, and empty gaze, I realized it was an exact reflection of my own.
We stood staring at each other’s worn and drawn faces for a while. I examined his, trying to decide what to do next. Alice’s words from Paris chimed in my mind. Bella, you need to love him or leave him. You both deserve more than what you’re doing right now. Please. Not only for your sake, but Edward’s. He’s a pain in the ass most of the time, but he’s my brother and I want him to be happy too.
“Do you have plans tonight?” The words spewed out of my mouth before my mind knew what I was saying.
Cocking his head, he observed me for a beat before replying, simply, “Not with anyone but you.”
~O~
“You know we should probably answer that,” Edward commented on the buzzing phone on the table. It had been vibrating in regular five minute intervals for the last half hour.
Sighing, I knew that I needed to talk to Alice and head off to the launch party, but having spent the last two hours catching up with Edward had been cathartic for both of us. I’d actually allowed him to tell me his full story. Not just our past, but his own with a cheating bitch of an ex back in college that took advantage of his kind heart. It had broken him so thoroughly he’d become a completely different person. He knew it didn’t make up for the lies he told me, but at the very least I’d come to understand a little bit more about where he was coming from. Looking at his handsome face, I only wished that perhaps I hadn’t run away back in March, allowing him to speak his peace then instead of causing us both so much heartache and lonely nights.
Over the course of our conversation, we’d decided to try and start over when we got back to New York. We would go out on dates and learn about each other over the course of days, weeks, and months to see if we really were as infatuated with one another as we’d been in the past.
Picking up the phone, I answered Alice’s panicked call. “Alice, I’ll meet you in thirty,” I said, answering her question without even saying hello.
“Bella, you are the star of my brand. I need you here in ten to be dressed and put together. Where the fuck are you anyways?”
“I’m actually out with your brother, trying to work out some things between us. Like I said, I’m still made up from the show. You only need to pick out an outfit and shoes. Okay?”
“Fine, but you’ll need a touch up on your hair and makeup as well. Please put me out of my misery and get here soon. The party really can’t start until you do. We have a grand entrance to make after all.”
Hanging up quickly, I stood, grabbing my bag from the floor while telling Edward that I needed to go.
“Bella, if you think you’re going to walk by yourself at this time of night, you have another thing coming.” Edward teased, throwing some bills onto the table to cover our drinks before putting his hand out for me to take. It wasn’t a demand, just a hopeful gesture that perhaps after tonight we could move forward, one step at a time.
Placing my hand in his, I knew that while we still had a lot of things to work through, we’d be okay. At least we would try and see where things went. It was better than not knowing at all.
Walking out into the brisk night we must have looked like any other happy couple, arms swinging between us, our voices ringing out with laughter and joviality. It was the best night I’d had in a long while, and I couldn’t wait to see where things went. It felt like I was finally getting sound in my silent movie, and I was thrilled with the result.
Postcard image: Sunset over a lagoon in Bali’s Candi Dasa
Postmark: September 25th, 2011 Candi Dasa, Bali
Dear Alice,
I can’t believe you guys managed to surprise me with my dream honeymoon! How in the world did you and Edward know that I’d always dreamt about coming to Bali and staying in a hut right on the beach? It made waiting until Fashion Week was over worth it. Edward and I are having a wonderful time. We’ve visited some of the ruins, and he even convinced me to hike up to the top of a nearby volcano. But what I’ve most enjoyed is sitting under our umbrella on the beach, just spending time together. Of course I’m enjoying a bunch of other things, but that would be a little much to say on a postcard. LOL. We’re looking forward to spending some time with you and Jasper when we get back. Although, I’m dreading the apartment search I know we have ahead of us. Hope things are well back in New York and we’ll see you soon.
Love,
Bella
Bella
Basking in the warmth of the Balinese sun, I languidly watched as Edward swam though the surf. It was our last night here, and I was feeling both melancholy and excited about leaving this island paradise. We’d spent two weeks travelling around the island nation, spending a day doing touristy things followed by a day just relaxing by the ocean or enjoying our honeymoon status to the fullest. Not a day had gone by on this vacation where we hadn’t made love in one location or another. Granted, it was sort of par for the course for us, so the daily sex wasn’t something new.
After coming back from Australia, Edward had done exactly as he’d said and courted me for a couple of months before we ever set foot into one of our bedrooms. He said he’d wait until I could fully trust him, using the time to win back my love and respect before re-consummating the relationship. He thought since the first time around had been all about the sex, this time we would do things differently. The first few weeks weren’t all candles and roses. Hell, after our third date, I’d wanted to drag him up the three flights of stairs to my apartment, but he’d respectfully declined, saying when the time came, we’d both know and enjoy it all the more because of the wait. At the time I had huffed in frustrated annoyance, but once again, he knew what he was talking about.
The lack of sex wasn’t the only unsatisfying part of those first few months back. Our schedules were vastly different. Alice’s launch of her new line took Edward off to foreign shores, looking for better and cheaper manufactures along with increasing the number of companies distributing her clothes and accessories. Meanwhile, mine was now focused on modeling for new campaigns, catalogs, and gearing up for Alice’s shows in Paris, Milan, and Rio. She was a global brand and seemed to never tire of trying for total world domination.
Every airport drop off was like a dagger in my heart. It took every ounce of strength in me to build up my trust in him. I tried to keep the past in the past, but some days were harder than others. While we were away, we skyped as often as our schedules and time zones permitted, but it wasn’t until he’d asked me to jointly attend one of his therapy sessions that I truly understood the full change within him.
His psychologist, with Edward’s permission, explained the depths of his commitment issues, and the steps that Edward had undergone to get to the point where he was. Edward had sent me e-mails overflowing with his words and apologies, along with various homework assignments Dr. Gerandy had given him, and I hadn’t read a single one until after we’d left the therapy session. The truth was, once I took the block off of Edward’s e-mail address, I never really revisited the black hole of the past. It was too painful for me to think about all of the time we’d wasted. Instead I chose to move forward. Yet, if I’d read the words he’d written to me, I would have seen the desperation of a man set out to prove his worth to the woman he loved.
That evening we curled up on his leather sofa and read through each and every e-mail he sent while I was away. The dim light from the Tiffany lamp in the corner casted a warm glow between us as we honestly admitted all of our fears, disappointments, trust issues, and our hopes and dreams for our future as a couple. It was a huge step towards moving forward in our relationship, along with being the first night we’d made love since January. From that point on, we couldn’t keep our hands, mouths, and any other body parts off of each other for long when we were alone.
Smiling to myself, I caught myself staring into the deep blue sea watching my handsome husband body surf the small waves tumbling onto the shore. His face was alight with childlike glee and it reminded me of the night he’d proposed.
We’d both just returned from trips - me from Rio, him from Shanghai. We’d ordered from our regular pizza joint around the corner from his apartment and sat watching some shoot him up movie that was playing on Spike. When the doorbell rang, he got up to pay the delivery guy, but what he’d left behind on the remote was a small black velvet box. He knew I’d take advantage of the remote being set down to change the channel and surprised me with a gorgeous platinum ring with at least a one karat oval cut center stone, encircled by smaller rounds and channel set princess cuts in the band. My jaw dropped when all those diamonds sparkled in the light; it was breathtaking. Glancing up, I saw Edward now kneeling before me, the pizza box set off on the counter behind him. The shy smile on his face looked almost triumphant, knowing what he did about me and that remote.
I giggled, pulling the box into my chest and waited for him to ask the question that went along with the priceless piece of jewelry now in my hands.
“Isabella Swan. We’ve been through so much over this past year, but we’ve come through it all stronger as a team. Being with you is as easy as breathing. You helped transform me into a man of worth. One who will never be worthy of your love and trust, yet who will love and cherish you unabashedly for the rest of my days. Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”
I was speechless. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I nodded in reply, the only movement my stunned mind could make at the moment.
Taking the box out of my grasp, he withdrew the ring and carefully slipped it up onto my finger. It was a perfect fit. Before I could inquire how he’d managed it, Edward sheepishly admitted, “I asked Alice to have you wear a ring for a photo shoot a couple of months back so I would know the size.”
Ending all further discussions, our lips met, sealing our lifelong deal.
I was still basking in the memory when I was assaulted by freezing cold droplets of water all over me.
“Edward!” I screeched, glancing around to see him shaking his wet head across my back.
Leaving a trail of wet kisses across my spine, I shivered at the intimate contact. “You need more sunblock love,” he whispered, grabbing the bottle beside me and rubbing it onto the planes of my back and thighs.
“Why are you even bothering when you know in five minutes you’re going to drag me back to our cabana for some sexy times,” I joked, knowing full well that I spoke the truth.
“Because then I get to wash all of this off of you, too.” He nibbled on my earlobe before continuing his SPF assault on my body.
“I don’t want to go home yet.” Even though a piece of me wanted nothing more than to sleep in our own beds and devour a big ol’ slice of New York’s finest pizza, I loved how relaxed we both were here. How the hustle and bustle of real life didn’t penetrate our little bubble of paradise. I heard him sigh above me, massaging the last little bit of sunblock into my back.
“I know, but maybe we can promise to come back here every few years to celebrate our anniversary?”
“Deal,” I sighed into the towel covered chaise.
And we did.
Every three years, we stayed at the same cabana in an attempt at reliving our first honeymoon. Unfortunately, after our second time there, we had to deal with my pregnancy with our middle child. After our third time there, our eldest son refused to be left behind, and we’d been forced to upgrade to a larger two bedroom cabana.
After our fourth visit, we’d brought all three of our children after a month long visit with Edward’s family through Australia and New Zealand. Our fifth time, we got to come back alone once again, and it was almost as if nothing had changed. With the exception, of course, of the size of my waistline, Edward’s hairline, and the wrinkles around our eyes that we’d gladly accepted over the years from all of the smiles and laughter our children brought us.
The one thing that stayed the same was the love and trust we’d built by then. It was a malleable force that sometimes swayed, sometimes appeared as if it would buckle under the strain of one thing or another, but it persisted. And through all of the years we’d been together, he’d kept his promise and fulfilled all of the dreams he’d sold me.
~~The End~~
Thanks again for following me through this little journey. It was a fun ride.
~~Mcgt~~
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| Bella's Engagement Ring |
